A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
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“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Daughter: [giving me attitude]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Daughter: Dad I’m 24.
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
🤣
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
