A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
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JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?