[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Did I do this right
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.