A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
You Might Also Like
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER