A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
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I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it