Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up