A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
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Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.