A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
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Digital security in Ancient Troy
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.