Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

#Caturday

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you