Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat

in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

Everyone is getting idioter.

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.

The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.

Don’t touch me.

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.