Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
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I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
The Joker was right
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot