A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
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(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself