A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
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George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh