A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
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me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.