A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
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at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try