Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.