Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

This kinda thing happens to me often

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

This kid is going places

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.