A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
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When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
This is a sub tweet
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.