Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend