A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
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[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
What?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Your honor these allegations are
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.