A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
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Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
dam girl
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.