Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF