A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
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[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow