@PencilWalrus

A flamingo in the streets and a lion in the sheets and a kangaroo at Target and I think Carl forgot to lock up the zoo last night.

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@shutupmikeginn

Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, “what kind of therapy is he in?” because of course I said that

@lecalabara

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

@dave_cactus

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

@LittleMissZesty

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

@evervway

Someone: if you’re not deaf why do you always use subtitles?
Me, someone with audio processing issues so bad I literally did not understand what you just said: yeah!

@robfee

Dang girl are you Die Hard on TBS because it looks like all the good parts are missing.

@stephenjmolloy

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

@robfee

Lynyrd Skynyrd wrote a song about how great Alabama is, and the only thing they could come up with is that the sky is really blue.