whatcha thinkin bout
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How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away