A flock of dads is called a grill.
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Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Very good! 👍😂
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.
Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins