A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
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What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
like swimming in quick dry cement
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Brands during Pride
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.