A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
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“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
#Caturday
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*