A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
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Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar