A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
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I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
🙋♀️
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
this has done me in for some reason
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.