A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
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Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Dolls on drugs
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.