A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
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europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
