A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
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My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
We’ve all been there
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.