Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

getting seasonal up in here

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it