A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
You Might Also Like
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green