Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

For the ones in the back.

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.