Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!

Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

Single worst piece of software ever invented

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane