[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
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If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”