[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
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ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I’m already scared
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri