[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
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My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to