[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
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Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.