a fool and his money are hey new iphone
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
even bears disappoint their mothers
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Krampus.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”