a fool and his money are hey new iphone
You Might Also Like
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
beware of dog
(jukin media)
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
brian had himself a morning…
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?