A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
🙅🏻
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?