A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Print is alive and well!!!
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
We need it on priority
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I just tested negative for patience.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.