A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!