A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
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I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Put the is in disheveled
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
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