A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
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I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My what?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz