a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
roses are red
i fall when i skate
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Sign at work today
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
