a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
security at the airport getting more straightforward
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
throat sock season is upon us.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
