Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.