Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.