@Cheeseboy22: A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
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@_elvishpresley_: [picks up scalp massager] Me: what’s this thing called Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher Me: well take a guess my man
@timdonakowski: GF's friend didn't keep my Valentine's gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
@astutenewf: When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
@bellicosejason: If you're behind someone at an ATM, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.