A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
getting corrected
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….