Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

hackers play passwordle

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

Voting is the worst group project

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning