Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’