Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.