A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
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Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?