@Busocco

A free corpse is a dead giveaway.

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@vineyille

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

@Sam_Alan33

Staying at a hotel tonight which means I get to play everyone’s favorite game: Are you smarter than a new shower?

@_ElvishPresley_

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

@_wendyb07

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@1followernodad

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

@heiditron3000

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

@Pumpkinbabypie

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.