My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
A free corpse is a dead giveaway.
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Staying at a hotel tonight which means I get to play everyone’s favorite game: Are you smarter than a new shower?
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
No, of course I’m not mad.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.