*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
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Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.