@Busocco

A free corpse is a dead giveaway.

A free corpse is a dead giveaway.

- @Busocco

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@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

@dadopotamus

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

@mommajessiec

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

@iRowlf

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

@prodigalsam

“I wish I had more time to read” he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.

@birdbutterer

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

@backupbear

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

@ExcuseMyTweets

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

@daemonic3

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

@shadygeekdad

I want to be a host at a restaurant so if someone asks for a booth I can yell, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!”