A free corpse is a dead giveaway.

A free corpse is a dead giveaway.

- @Busocco

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DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?


“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.


8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*


Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.


“I wish I had more time to read” he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.


I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful


For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.


The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.


Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”


I want to be a host at a restaurant so if someone asks for a booth I can yell, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!”