A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
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No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
You better watch out
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.