Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

I’m Sold!

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together