A French press is when you hug naked
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Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
🤣🤣🤣
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice