A French press is when you hug naked
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I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
it must be school picture day
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
britain’s three elite institutions
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.