A French press is when you hug naked
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Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.