A French press is when you hug naked
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Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”