A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
You Might Also Like
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope