Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

realest tweet ever.

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

I’ve been lied to my entire life

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money