Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

Sunday

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside