Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

i think both sides are to blame here

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

rise and shine we got egg

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi