A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
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Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.