Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater