Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
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Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Oceanography is all about current events