A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
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Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.