Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

you gotta be faster

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

Me driving through Toronto