A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
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Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.