A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
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wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
WWE is French for “yes”