A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
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[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??