A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
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Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently