A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
You Might Also Like
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.