Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.