A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
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“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter