A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
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Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom