A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
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[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
*Seductively hides in the woods
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
me when somebody idk start touching me
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
inside you are two wolves
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer